The 2011 MTV Movie Awards
Los Angeles - O.k. the MTV Movie Awards were on Sunday, June 5th, 2011. "Saturday Night Live" star Jason Sudeikis hosted. The evening was broadcast live, or was that broadcast HIGH from the Gibson Amphitheater, formerly the Universal Amphitheater, in the beautiful city of angels, in California. Whatever! We thought 2011 was the year of the rabbit on the Chinese calendar. No, 5,000 years of ancient culture is wrong, baby. 2011 is the year of the F-bomb. Puh-lease. Oh here's a new word we haven't been practicing on the swings when all the other kids went home early. "Does this F-bomb make me look thinner?". Yes, Reese, you look young and slim, and no one can see the giant crack in your heart left by Ryan Phillippe, because that beautiful house dress you're wearing hides it all. Oy!
So here's what happened at the MTV or More Twilight Vampires Awards Show: There was a gross waste of time on the red carpet where major stars showed off their bedazzled Old Navy up grades. Good gravy, what happened to fashion that night? The same major stars had their compensating prescriptions to make them look less drunk while they were very drunk, drunk, drunky mcdrunkerson, drunk, but only sorta makes them seem high when they were actually off the chart high, baby.
Robert Pattinson won Best Male Performance (was he pretending to be a male?) for his role as the teen vampire, Edward Cullen in "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse". Pattinson also picked up Best Kiss with real life gal pal and "Twilight" co-star Kristen Stewart. Oh yeah, and R-Pats won Best Fight with Bryce Dallas Howard and Xavier Samuel. Listen, Bryce Dallas Howard is a lovely girl, and she is probably half an Oscar away from being Hollywood Royalty, but could nothing have been done to keep Rachelle Lefevre in the "Twilight" family? BDH (c'mon, who wants to keep typing that out) did a great job filling in, but what a schism to plant her in what could have been a flawless tribute to the power of triple strength estrogen. Let's see, 100 Million girls over the age of eleven have read the books (there are three chunky vampire bibles worth of story here), seen THREE of the movies thus far, bought the soundtracks, and the wrist bands, and the t-shirts, and the blank journals, and the gift bags, and the trivia games, and the action figures, and the spin-off-not-such-a spin-off book, "The Host", by "Twilight" author Stephenie Meyer (yeah, that's how she spells her name, leave me alone about it!), and they've pulled in enough money to set up labs in every major country in the world to find a CURE FOR AIDS, but they couldn't adjust the shooting schedule by three weeks to allow Ms. Lefevre to reprise the role of Victoria, which she originated in the first two "Twilight" films. I'm just saying.
Back to the teenage antics in the school gym. Perhaps to make up for the near riot caused on the red carpet when his "Twilight" rival, Taylor Lautner arrived, Robert Pattinson returned to the audience where he smooched the young Adonis, Lautner. What's that called again, oh, yeah GLAM HOG! Dude you're in the biggest film series since "Star Wars". Chill, you really are winning.
Kristen Stewart co-star of "YadaYada Twilight Moonlight Saga Whatever" won for Best Female Performance and the film, "Eclipse" won Best Movie.
The non-vampire winners who picked up MTV Movie Awards on Sunday included Justin Bieber for Best Jaw Dropping Moment for his feature film "Never Say Never". No one else matters except Ellen Page, who won the award for Best Scared As S&&t Performance (you all know what that word is) for her role in "Inception".